Last few years, while bringing up a teenager and managing a team of high potential individuals often made me think, how the learning from parenting and leadership are quite similar. I quiet often draw learnings from one area to another since the underlying factor in both is understanding human behavior and helping individuals realize their true potential.
This blog is first in the series to share my learnings of last six years donning both the hats and I must admit it has been an interesting journey and quite fruitful one.
Comparison is the thief of joy
A parent and a leader are both entrusted to make stronger, self-sufficient individuals, be it their children/team members respectively. Their role is not all to create replicas of their own or an earlier version of a child or successful employee.
Ironically, we hear many a times people saying, if this person is a doctor, her child would also be a doctor, essentially force fitting the offspring in the same mould as parents. Likewise, many a times, we typecast a team as an exact replica of the leader and don’t expect them to do different things.
The role of both a parent and a leader is to create independent thinking professionals, equipping them through framework, direction and adequate skills to achieve their respective goals of life.
Some of the common behavioural traits topics, I have observed in last few years
As a parent
Do you remember when your parents used to compare you with your siblings/cousins/ their friend’s children, it didn’t just feel about the right thing to do on their part and there was this itchy feeling of ‘why am I not being seen as myself, why the comparison?’
Likewise, does your child feel bad when their teacher asks them to be as disciplined and well behaved the other child is (say X), this for sure hurts big time and there is this feeling of unsaid jealousy towards X. It generates the same itchy feeling.
The outcome of this comparison, either the child feels highly demotivated in the class or starts copying X. Neither of which is good as there is no room for thinking beyond the set pattern and those who dare to think beyond are more often than not labeled as undisciplined or rude or spoilt!!
As a leader
Back in Corporates, when a managers compare one employee to another employee (say Y) , it creates a feeling of unhealthy competition. Consciously or Unconsciously the employee feels it is better to copy what Y is doing as my boss would be happy and/or worse option, why do I need do something different as all what my seniors and organization wants is a copy of what Y is doing. It is the same itchy feeling
Another example, I have observed quiet often whenever, there is a comparison between two business units or two competitive firms in the markets, the discussion often in board rooms is, how should we do what others have done it and grow past them. If other compete (say Z) has come up with a new product or market entry strategy why should we not do it ?. More often than not team members started copying similar business model and create a temporary ripple in the market. Only to realize later, the market leader is not the one who copies but the one who innovates. The result is same itchy feeling !!
Reasons why parents/leaders exhibit this behavior?
In past few years, I have often discussed with parents and business leaders why do they compare and came across some interesting facts as below :
1) This is how everyone learns, it happened to me and hence should happen to my child/team member : The logic is simple, if I could make my way through this process, others affiliated with me should do the same. Though it is very difficult to reason this out, but this is one of the most common logic given. It is like I learned to swim when I was accidentally thrown in a pond and hence throw everyone in the pond if they have to learn to swim !!
2) The intention is not to compare the output but learn from the best practices that others have . When parents/leaders say other children or business is doing good , they mean learn from their discipline or thought process. However, when a person in position of authority (parent or boss) says without getting into detail, more often than not this fails as the intention is not well reflected in word and since output is the only tangible object, that becomes the bone of contention.
3) Reverse psychology : Comparison gives motivation to outperform : If you egg a person with results of someone deemed superior, the brain would take this challenge and work towards overachieving it.
Studies indicate, reverse psychology works only on few types of people and for a limited time. This usually work on people who are either stubborn and emotional. People who have a laid-back, relaxed personality don't fall for reverse psychology. So, it could work for a limited period of time on few, but creates highly competitive, low EQ individuals. I am sure all of us have observed similar people around us.
Because children's cognitive development is less advanced than adults, they may not be able to pick up on clues that someone is using reverse psychology on them. Teens may have the cognitive ability, but because they're so focused on asserting their independence, their reactance may be so strong that they still do the opposite of what is demanded.
4) If the formula for success is written why redefine it , just copy it –This one possibly needs no explanation and is path of least resistance. However, it is best suited when working with pre-defined industralized systems and in computer codes but for human minds, it is stifling as it creates limitations. Who defines what is success is an open ended question, in any case. We more often than not success is defined in terms of income one generates, little realizing happy individuals are not come outcome of only commercial success but inner satisfaction.
5) Insecurity and risk of unknown : Fundamentally, at the heart of any comparison is insecurity, risk of unknown. By comparing and copying, one tries to minimize the risk of unknown. The feeling protectiveness and shelter comes with related feeling of care and love. Having this feeling for one’s children or team or business is natural. And this is the sheer reason, why one would compare and try to imitate with others who are seemingly doing better.
Little do all of us realize, most likely what sets apart, all the XYZ’s in the examples above are their unique skills, capabilities and copying from others and hence they are role models.
As Asians, we are more akin to do this and safely blame it to history of colonization and our large population competition in school, college admissions and job market. Little do we realize, by doing so, we are not bringing up kids or creating future leaders who can think independently. We are sub consciously creating replicas of doing the same thing time and again (read: industrialized version)
When I was a child and my parents used to tell me, I need to study like my sibling or a friend’s kid, I could hardly do the task. However, when I was told broad guidelines on how to approach a situation, I would do successfully nail it. Since I did not follow a pre- defined path, I was called a rebel child!! I liked the label as a “cool thing” and moved on!!. At that time, I didn’t understand what I used to dislike as a child being told what to do, but now I do. Comparison is the thief of my joy; it stifles my mind and curbs its thinking power. I am sure it does for most of us.
I find it quite ironical it is to see the same parent who is comparing his/her child with other children at home, gets bogged down by comparison at workplace with the peers.
“Nature has gifted us humans a unique resource – Human brain. It has got power to reason, analyze and create. Human mind is most optimally utilized when it creates and invents new things. For set patterns of learning and production, we have robots and machines, why waste this valuable resource?
We can’t have different outcomes with similar inputs for all, be it children or team members.
Surprisingly history tells us people who made a difference to the world, be it through philanthropical efforts or building large businesses were not the ones who followed the established path, but the ones paved their own paths. At the end of it all as parents and leaders, it’s about creating happy and energetic people around us and not machines who know how to create “more of the same things”.
